It's okay to not know.

I haven't posted in almost a year since my beauty challenge, but I couldn't resist sharing what Jesus has been teaching me in the past few months. It's been incredible.

This is my senior year... and simply saying I have senioritis is a big understatement. I am ready to graduate, get out of the house, and go to college. However, that wish is not a guarantee and God has been faithfully reminding me of that.

My last year of high school is now more than halfway over, and I'm constantly faced with the dreaded question from every adult and peer in my life: "What are your plans for college?". A few months ago I was sure of what I wanted, but now I'm looking for a more impressive way to say "I have absolutely no idea."

I'm going to give you an overview of my senior year/college searching experience so far, but first let me fill you in. My boyfriend, Charlie, and I want to stay together so we've been going and visiting colleges as a couple. God has told me that he's the one for me, so I'm fully trusting God to show us where to go. Exodus 14:14 says "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." and Charlie and I have taken that to heart. God has spoken so clearly in this, it feels like I have physically heard His voice. It's amazing! We want to marry each other someday, and I know we would like that sooner rather than later. We want to get married young, but we're still looking to Christ for guidance. But if that's what He wants for us, then we want to be as smart as we can. We really want to get out of college with the least amount of debt possible. So the cost of tuition and availability of scholarships is a big priority to us when looking for a school.

Anyways, back in August, we went and looked at Regent University in Virginia Beach. We loved it! They have a beautiful campus, great faculty, and had what I thought I wanted to major in; education. I was set on going to this college. I didn't even want to look anywhere else. But since I had nothing to compare it to, we continued our search with attending a CFAW event at Liberty University in September. These two schools are very different, but both had what I wanted to study. Liberty is a great school, but I didn't have the same feeling of wanting to be there that I had at Regent. However, I am very glad I went to Liberty because it was there that I figured out I am not cut out to be a teacher. They said you needed a passion for this, and I didn't have that.

So then I went through the application process at Regent, and was accepted! I still wasn't sure what I wanted to study. I thought about majoring in Christian Ministry, or Intercultural Studies, or even Psychology. With Charlie and I, there's been this mutual openness between us that if God told us to go to the mission field, we would go, so that's where a major in Christian Ministry or Intercultural Studies would be great in finding an organization to go with. Psychology just kind of interested me, but in order to be a practicing counselor or something, you have to get a masters degree or higher. Now, I know that I'm not going to be a working mom when I'm older, so it would be silly to spend so much time and money on a career that I'm not actually going to pursue, so I thought I would just get a bachelors and work an office job somewhere for a while until I have kids.

Now that I was accepted, I applied for the Scholars Weekend event at Regent. They pick 25 students, those people automatically get half off of their tuition, then they go and compete somehow for several full-ride scholarships that the school gives out. After crunching the numbers, I figured if I at least got half off, I could go, live on campus, and get out of college without debt.

Last week I found out I was not chosen to attend. You can imagine how disappointed I was and still am. I felt like that was my only shot. So I started the search again, trying to figure out what I wanted to do so I could figure out where I wanted to go. But if I'm not sure on what I want to do, I shouldn't be looking for a 4-year university. The smart thing to do would be start off at a community college and just get a general studies degree. But honestly, that sounds lame.

I'm still going to see what kind of financial aid and other scholarships I can get at Regent. Maybe that door isn't completely closed yet.

But now, I feel like all the plans, all the ideas I had for my life have completely changed. Honestly, I just want to grow up and be a mom. I don't have an interest in pursuing a professional career at all. But I feel like I have to go to college because that's what I'm supposed to do.

It seems like every door I go to remains shut, no matter how hard I knock. I get an interest in something, I check it out, and it doesn't work out. Like, just today I went to go and at least apply to University of Richmond. My choir director works there and he said I had a good chance of getting some good scholarships for music. So I went to the website and looked around, and then went to apply, but found out I've missed the due date.

Years ago, I thought I had it all figured out. I had a major I liked, a number of possible colleges I was interested in, and a career that I wanted to pursue, but it's all changed. Now I have no idea what I want to study or where I want to go. All of a sudden, next year isn't so definite anymore.

But you know what? It's okay. It's okay to not know. It's okay that the next four years of my life aren't set in stone. It's okay if I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go. It's okay if God hasn't revealed the timeline of me and Charlie's relationship. It's okay. This is forcing me to trust God, which is honestly the best thing for me. It hurts and it's uncomfortable, but it's what I need.

This past week, I've felt the comforting arms of Christ surround me. He has constantly reminded me of the promises in His Word. Isaiah 55:8-9 says this: “ 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.' " 

I remember hearing a quote that went something like "We bring our plans to God asking for His stamp of approval when we should really bring a blank sheet of paper and tell Him to do what He wishes." God's plans for me are so much BIGGER and BETTER than what I have in mind for myself. His ideas are too high for me to grasp. 


"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6. These verses are so familiar to me, but take on new meaning when I'm struggling with something like this. God's timing was perfect when He showed me this again in my devotions this week. God promises me something here. He's going to direct my paths, He's going to show me which way to go. There's no "might" or "maybe" here, this is a definite. I can't bet on going to the college I want to go to next year, but I can bet that God's going to lead me. I just have to trust Him, not think I know what's best for me, and submit to His guidance and trust it's what's better. And let me tell you, there's an unbelievable amount of freedom and peace that comes with that! I'm not worried about what the future holds. I'm not embarrassed to tell people I don't have a definite plan. I tell people I'm trusting God to direct my path, and no one can touch that. 


“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;" Isaiah 43:1b-3a. I belong to God. There is nothing that will take me out of His hand. He doesn't say that I'm not going to face the rivers or the fire. He doesn't say that it's going to be comfortable. He just promises to be there and not let the waters wash me away or the fire burn me. I'm sure the future is going to hold some strong waters and hot fires, but I've got the best protection out there. 

God is leading me somewhere, I just know it. I don't know where, I don't know why, but I feel it. I know there's something coming. Something big. Whatever it is, I know it must be much better than anything I had in mind. 


" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' " Jeremiah 29:11